| Wednesday, January 24th, 2007 |
| 6:33 pm |
Quick Update
Just realized i haven't updated since Dec when things were...hmmm... To clear it all up. ME + Snuggle Bunny = not happening. He has a girl who is ma wifey and i am soo not fucking that up. Especially considering i'm over him. Ummm..Gangsta's heart got broken because i have a boyfriend now and i told him...apparently he wanted to be with me for 2007. Too little too late. Well i went to a new year's party...hooked up with a guy. Kept hooking up with him for a week after new year's and now i've kicked him to the curb. I have a boyfriend. He's amazing *beams* He's sweet and understanding and all that jazz. I hope it works out between us. I met a friend of mine's boyfriend...he's cool. I can see myself being friends with him...if she ever lets us talk again *lol* Ummmmm...there is someone else. I'm not cheating!!!!!! NO! I don't want to cheat. If this person says something to me...i don't know. I probably would cheat if they wanted to be with me...i'm greedy when it comes to relationships. I want it all!!!!! I have a new LJ - khaoticmuzick Add me if you want. |
| Friday, December 29th, 2006 |
| 10:01 pm |
Me + Snuggle Bunny = :D I enjoy spending time with him. We hung out yesterday and it was wonderful. Holding hands, cuddling and all that jazz. I'm very attracted to him. Here's the real question though: Is he attracted to me the way i'm attracted to him? Then Gangsta[New name for Rude Bwoy] says he just wants me in his life...top spot preferably. What to do about that? It would be a good trial run relationship-wise but at the same time...I don't feel as strongly about him as he obviously feel about me. I don't know...SB & i...we have a strange relationship where we flirt but don't mean it. We're attracted but we wouldn't hook up. Me having strong feelings for him changes the game and i guess has kind of put him on guard. Maybe he feels the same way but i'll never know if i don't take the shot...But i know i'm too much of a little bitch to take it. I could've kissed him yesterday...and maybe more but i didn't like a good girl. I should probably have done it but then there was that slight chance that he would've denied me...i didn't wanna take that chance i guess. Still confused. I need to sort this out now. *sigh* Current Mood:  sleepy, pensive & horny |
| Wednesday, December 27th, 2006 |
| 8:20 pm |
*Sigh* DW & Me = not happening. I fucked up. Mr. Rude Bwoy kinda made sure of that in his own way by filling up ma head with shit. DW of course helped his case none by being cryptic and keeping things to himself and playing games even though he said he wasn't. People like us don't stop playing games... I fucked up with DW...and i appear to be doing things rite with Rude Bwoy...what to do now? Let things continue with RB & forget about DW or...fight for DW and drop RB or play them both? Then there's ma Snuggle Bunny...I adore him...i wanna fuck him...but he's just ma SB & i can't see us going past the hook-up. Then there's Foxy who i crush...& Ji who i crush also...*sigh* I'm too confused. I need to prioritize & sort myself out. This shit is too much. Current Mood:  & Horny |
| Thursday, December 21st, 2006 |
| 8:40 pm |
Relationship Drama
Ok...here's the deal. My ex, DW...is amazing. He's nice and sweet and tall and sexy. I could have actually fallen in love with him and been happy with him for at least a few months. Of course, i couldn't let myself be happy and i pushed him away so we broke up. I was relieved for a while but as time wore on...i realized we had a good thing and i wanted it back but i knew i couldn't turn back time so i suppressed the thoughts and moved on. Now...there's a chance he might want me back. It's a small chance but a chance nevertheless and i want him...badly. I want to be with him again but there's this voice in the back of my head telling me that he doesn't really want me and that it's just my imagination. This little voice is also letting me know that if i make the first move like Genocide says that he'll laugh in my face and let me know that he didn't really want me at all. Truth...i'm fucking petrified. I wish i knew what was going on in his head but i don't. I would stop being as wild as i am if he wanted me to...i'd literally tame myself to make him happy and it wouldn't hurt or affect me in any way because i don't have to be wild all the time. Then there's Foxy. Enigmatic, sexy Foxy who suffers from a serious case of cynical, lack of self esteem and is just...HOT! I want Foxy...It's just a crush though i'm sure. It will pass. That's all i guess...hope i figure it out and that my next post says " DW & ME = 2getha" Current Mood: hopeful |
| Sunday, December 3rd, 2006 |
| 9:20 pm |
I believe that i have no idea what i want to do with my life. It's scary...really scary. At this point in time i'm following the crowd as it relates to the things i'm doing. Dancehall craze...as a result of my partying. Rediscovering rock? Going back to my roots and hanging out with some "goths" (labels = the devil) I want to go to a party on the 15th of Dec: Fras-Byte. I haven't asked my mother yet though and i'm telling everyone that I'm going. I can envision her saying no but maybe if i get Daddy to talk to her she'll say yes especially considering she has her office party that night. Here's to hoping *crosses fingers* I did it again on Friday...that thing...the bad thing...but it was worse. There was fire and steel. Cauterize the wounds. 9 times...9 lines. I want to burn more. I will burn more. Burn the 9 lines. Burn them til they blister. I want to be okay but i'm not and i don't think i will be until i get help. I think i want that. Exams are in 1 week and i feel unprepared so i will study a bit. I need to remember my fwenny's birthday on Fri. He'll be older and then he leaves the next week. I don't see him enough or talk to him enough but i like him. I want him to trust me the way i trust him. I'm going to buy him a present. My thoughts are disjointed right now. I'll go shower, clear my head and then i'll return to this. Make it make sense Current Mood:  and pensive |
| Tuesday, November 28th, 2006 |
| 9:07 pm |
Blech
My best friend asked me a very good question...and honestly...i don't know how to answer it He brought it to my attention that i put myself down a lot and he asked why but i don't know. I really have no idea Alyssa said i dance like a stripper *LOL* & that all i need is a pole to be complete *LOL* Ummm can't think of nothing else! Damn!!! i'll update a next day when Mummy not running me Current Mood:  cranky |
| Sunday, October 22nd, 2006 |
| 11:13 am |
Contemplation
I realized yesterday just how young i am. I mean seriously...i'm 16 years old. 16!!! I'll be 17 in a week and a half but that's not the point. Hung out with my friend Gillian yesterday and all the people around me, including her were at least 18. AND!!!! i was the only virgin....aside from the baby. Weird huh? Mum says that "Virginity is in" and i agree to a certain extent but it's not that I want to remain a virgin really and it's not that I haven't got offers because...I have. It's just that i want to at least be in some semblance of a committed relationship before i spread my legs and let a guy take something I know I can't get back. Old fashioned? Not completely, if I were truly old fashioned I'd wait til marriage. LOL! Me? Wait til marriage? Hilarious...i know. I don't know though, I just don't know. I've watched sex turn people into idiots and nymphomaniacs and possessive, jealous bitches. I wonder what i'd be like? Probably a nympho. LOL i am freaking psycho. I know. Honestly though, on a serious...Why do people change after they've had sex? And then there's school. School sucks obviously and i'm behind in all of my subjects, even history. I have to step up. No compromise...STEP UP!!! Current Mood:  bitchy and annoyed |
| Sunday, September 24th, 2006 |
| 4:38 pm |
An Update
yea....i decided against the whole older man thing, it would've been WAY too creepy considering who he is. as it relates to some previous posts about me being a whore, blah, blah, blah...i don't feel that way at all anymore. it is what it is but i can safely say i am NOT a complete whore..still a virgin and all that jazz. oh yea! i've kissed 19 people in my life and i'm only 16 (turning 17 in a few weeks) which i guess you could kinda say is a bit whoreish of me but yea...kinda can't change that. LOL. when i told my mother she totally weirded and was all "Oh no Jhenelle" in that scandalized kind of tone but hey, my lips, not hers...if i wanna go out and kiss people that's my business. on the upside i've basically only kissed people i've spent a little time talking to or that i knew or knew i would keep in touch with in some way, shape or form. school is okay so far..not great but okay and i'm not drowning in work as yet so that's a plus. Maybe i could get a boyfriend..or 2 at Gillian's urging...i don't know man. she just wants me to be hooked up. maybe it's because she's hooked up and wants me to be happy but 2 of the guys she wants me to be hooked up with are guys that i've done things with so it'd be kinda weird you know to actually be involved in a relationship with them as opposed to just doing stuff...i don't know, maybe she wants our hooking up to mean something other than just physical gratification if you will...i'll think about it. we were supposed to hang out yesterday but that didn't happen...i wanted to but mummy changed plans in the morning so it wouldn't have been able to happen anymore. i wanted to hang out with her. she was real supportive and kinda seems like she can be trusted, she makes me feel like i can talk to her about anything which is kinda dangerous for me if it isn't true...we'll see how trustworthy she can be... that's it i guess...nothing more to report at this point in time. thank you for reading Jhen's Blog...good afternoon! lol Current Mood: and contemplative |
| Saturday, September 16th, 2006 |
| 3:56 pm |
goodas fi dem gyal u a goodas fi dem! I LUV DAT SONG! MATTEHORN A DI BOSS!!!! BIG CHUNE! SOLD OUT!!!!!! talk bout u kids dem cuz di whole a dem cute, yu baby fada him nuh stop sen di loot! ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ----------------------- YEA....luv it and i guess i have strong feelings for TK...*circles Daddy Issues* i dunno...he's just....ummm...*sigh* him jus intriguin...i dunno!!! rassclaat man. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++ NEX BIG CHUNE!!!! wah mek u a fuck me suh hard? hot fuck, hot fuck..walk like a duck LOL DI SONG MAD!!! ELEPHANT MAN CRAZY! and hustiln strugglin crazy! shifta of fras krew a lock down di place again! he did it with ganja shop, he did it with stroll out, he did it with like dis before and he doin it again with hustlin strugglin! love shifta! Watz dat?!?! Fras Krew! NEX BIG CHUNE!!! HUSTLIN STRUGGLIN SELL OFF, SOLD OUT!!!! IT A LOCK DOWN JAMAICA!!!!! ######################################## ######################################## ######################### i'm thinking of becoming involved with an older man...significantly older man but i'm still thinking about it. Current Mood: chipper |
| Wednesday, September 6th, 2006 |
| 6:03 pm |
Chirstmas come quick please
at this point i'm basically biding my time until december and it's christmas and i can party. family's coming down so more party freedom...i can see it now...christmas party, any rave that takes place in that time and new years. i intend to hit at least 3 parties during christmas holidays. the boys come back at christmas too so yay me. i get to be with them even though by then i'm sure they'll have forgotten me but whatever, i'll make them remember. lol. that probably sounded creepy. if i really wanna keep in touch i can ask their younger bro for their emails...or their dad or din din, whoever. they can't hide...that sounded stalker-ish. i dunno. i just wanna be with my boo even though he isn't technically my boo...he damn well acts like it sometimes. *sigh* it's just confusing. i'm not gonna be involved with any of them, of this i am sure...i'm not exactly thinking straight right now so i'll update later i guess Current Mood:  anxious |
| Monday, August 28th, 2006 |
| 11:30 am |
Confused and Overcome
well considering i leapt from one boy to the next i feel the need to clarify... i am a crushaholic...and i have serious potential to be an alcoholic and a whore if i keep doing what i'm doing and more. well i'm not going to bore myself by rehashing this "on paper" as the case may be and doing so would only worry certain people so i won't get into the details.... I'm doing something i shouldn't do but i guess i can't help but do it. the excitement maybe? the bundle of nerves bouncing around in my stomach that tells me it's wrong but strangely good. the danger of it i guess...i like not knowing if i'm gonna get caught...and i like being with them even though they could care less about me and probably think i'm a groupie whore who's always drunk and falling all over them. is it bad that i like them looking at me and talking about me, maybe even plotting who's going to take care of my problem? i guess the attention one gets when you're with them might suck me in. after thursday night i'm not going to go anywhere near them until maybe christmas or never again. i think never again would be better for me considering i know those players will never change but i think i'll have changed enough by christmas to be able to handle being with them. he intrigues me...he doesn't seem to be like the others. well, he is but he's actually kinda nice in a weird way. and we're not talking about the one who might be taken by my cousin in the near future...we're talking about the only one who's left, unattached as far as i can tell. he's tame-able i think. and i'd like to think i can tame him but i know i am nowhere near ready to do that. maybe over time i will be or maybe i'll grow out of it. who knows? too many uncertain words and actions. i'm not sure of anything anymore, of who i am or who i'm friends with or what i want to do with my life, nothing. i've been having strange dreams and fantasies and thoughts in my head revolving around these people and what a happy future with them would be like. delusional huh? there would be no happy future with them...it would end with me being completely out of touch with myself and letting them use me. i need to decide what to be. i need to figure out what i want with myself. i need to open myself up to new possibilities. i need new friends. i just need so much right now... i refuse to let these people mold me into a scarlet woman! i'm going to find myself and then i'm going to give her a good talking to. Current Mood:  contemplative and nervous |
| Sunday, August 27th, 2006 |
| 6:34 pm |
Make me over...
going back to 6th form. it's cool i guess. double edged sword if you will. i get to further my education with the same backstabbing imitation friends i had before...joy (note the sarcasm) i really need new friends...my goal this year is to be more outgoing socially and be all friendly like. we'll see how that holds up. i'm in the process of looking for a part-time job on the weekends to put a little cash in my pocket. i guess i'm trying to make myself over. good luck with that self! ummm i guess that's all. hope this making myself over thing works... Current Mood: i'm also nervous and pissed |
| Sunday, August 13th, 2006 |
| 7:27 pm |
oh dear
remember like 10 seconds before i said i felt cheap and like a whore....well.... *FEELS CHEAPER*!!!!!! ummm...yea...i jus can't talk about it....i really can't...my head not on too straight right now so yea...i just...jesus fucking christ!!! "It's a family thing"?!?!?!?!?!? what the fucking bumboclaat!!!!! rass...ah wah mi get maself into... Current Mood: indescribable |
| 6:15 pm |
I Made A Mistake....Trust Betrayed And Actions We Can't Take Back
well... i feel cheap and dirty like a 2 bit whore only my fee isn't paid in dollars and cents, it's paid in lost innocence and self-value. i drank too much. i said no...but then i said yes, i let it happen. i did it on my own. i let him objectify me...i let him use me and then cast me away like a toy you've grown tired of playing with. i let all of them use me. and i think a part of me enjoyed it or maybe needed it? i am too repulsed by my actions. i can't bear to look at myself. i feel...worthless, lower than low, nothing. i just...there's an emptiness in me now, a void i think was once filled with self respect. now i see myself as a lady of the night, on her knees in a dirty alley blowing some random john for the right price. it's so strange that coupled with this emptiness i feel...betrayed. someone i believed to be a friend betrayed my confidence. they told a secret that was not theirs to tell and now i have to lie even more. i have to hide myself even more from their prying eyes and concerned speech. maybe that's why i lost it last night? maybe it was that betrayal coupled with assorted liqueurs that led me to do what i did. low, lower than low i am. empty...i hope i can pull myself up. Current Mood: disappointed and betrayed |
| Friday, August 11th, 2006 |
| 8:28 am |
*sigh* why does my period always come when i'm going to a white party? *sigh* ah well, such is life. *sigh* i'm alone now...my boys left me :( i don't know what i'm going to do without them. i'm sure i will survive though... *sigh* nothing much that i can say here really...i'm just feeling kinda down right now. *sigh* enough depressing stuff....later i guess Current Mood:  blah |
| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006 |
| 8:36 pm |
A Catch Up
okay i figured now is the time for an update. now that i don't have school stress or anything like that around me...i'm much happier than i was before but i know that as soon as it gets closer to results time, my stress level will rise and i will probably stick my head in the oven or something equally stupid. my personal life is a bit calm/all over the place right now so it's a bit hard to explain. having to deal with feelings for J and K and my ex A is a bit crazy so i'm going to break it down. J = taken = no way in hell K = an ass who i adore = a possibility if we ever have the conversation A = my ex = major chemistry but we know each other too well = in 3 weeks me might try again Brotherhood is my new fave show but sho.com is only available to people living in the united states. it's utter bullshit but in my head i say "whatever" to it all. i've benn writing a bit but i spend most of my time talking out the situation i'm going to portray rather than write it down. been doing a lot of fan fiction for Brotherhood and i've recently started thinking about Battlestar Galactica and Dead Like Me. basically it's been the lazy days of summer which is filled with drama when i am around my friends. i hope the drama is done. the petty grudge that a certain someone has against me is very blah and not really in my head. all i care about are my possessions, some of which she has had for 3 years. i am NOT amused that she has refused to give them back to me even though i have asked repeatedly before our altercation. i am going to call her on the phone and arrange a day to come to her house and collect my belongings. i don't care if it fuels her anger or hatred or whatever, all i know is that i want my shit back. :D Peace Out Gangsta (*giggles*) Current Mood: blank |
| Saturday, July 22nd, 2006 |
| 10:37 pm |
Have i mentioned that guys suck?
here it is... i like him lots! the problem...i don't know how he feels and one of our friends likes him alot. grrrrr. drama just seems to follow me around. there's the whole me and K situation where we hook up but my good friend T likes him. i don't know. he keeps coming back to be and i keep saying yes. but i REALLY like him...K2 that is...i could be with him you know. as in bf/gf ways. have i mentioned that i hate relationship drama? Current Mood: crappy |
| Monday, July 3rd, 2006 |
| 5:50 pm |
DREAM!!!!
he said he had a dream we had sex!!!! shocking right? i know... i was good! in my dream he was good too.... oh lord...i'm falling... Current Mood:  giddy |
| Sunday, June 11th, 2006 |
| 4:12 pm |
i had a little tizzle with a friend of mine last night. ok, it was a big tizzle but i downplayed it, i'm good at that. she's still mad at me but i thank god i have the ability to act like nothing happened. is it gd that we fought? yes and no. yes because it just further proves what type of person she is and no because it wasn't face to face so i cud hit her in the face. so...at the end of it all, well there was no end because i cut it short and did a placating thing so it's not actually over. all i know right now is that i don't think i can stand to be near her without choking the life out of her. is that bad? i cut myself at the end of it all. on my shoulder, my right thigh and twice on my left arm. it still hurts inside. i need to cut more out of me to make it stop. i guess at the end of the day i'm just trading one pain for another. trading one i can't control for one that i can. suppressing some more. if there were ever a day to explode then it could have been last night with that girl. only thing though is that if i were to explode i think it would be bloody and all consuming and somehow i know that it would be the end of me. i don't know how to explain any of this i guess. all i can say is that i'm losing my mind and that i hope i find it before i do something drastic that i can't smooth over or fix. Current Mood:  just feeling |
| Friday, June 9th, 2006 |
| 4:04 pm |
WTF!
well, it was a resonably good day. i won't get into the details... right to the point i jump! HE CALLED ME HER NAME!!!!! okay, stop. rewind. explain. i'm talking to him (yes, him!!) and then he says & i quote "it'll be cold soon kim." (don't ask why... KIM!!! do i look like fucking kim to you asshole!!! my name is bumboclaat jhen!!! and don't you fucking forget it ever again!!!! it just hurts a bit....i feel the urge to cut. i haven't in a long while & then this ughhhh comes & wants to ruin me!! i'm gonna go do that...get back to you whenever... Current Mood: fucking murderous |
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